Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Why broken?

Having grown up in the church has its pros and cons. Obviously growing up in the love and grace of God is a huge blessing, but one of the biggest cons for me is that I've noticed how easy it is for me to be numb to God's truth. Sometimes I basically need to be hit by a 2 x 4 (metaphorically) of truth for it to seriously get inside past my head and into my heart (trust me, there is a huge difference between the two).

Lately I've been struggling with knowing that God works in the broken areas. It makes sense in my head but my heart/self is fighting it. As I wrote in my first post, I know that I need to stop 'looking' and trust that even in the mistakes God is working. I still struggle with this though, my personality is very much "I have to do it right". The dichotomy here is that I'm also lazy... These two things can be very difficult to work with. One thing I am realizing is that my perfectionism doesn't have so much to do with doing it right... as it does with looking good to those around me. This is a very stressful way to live and it's scary to realize that when I walk on my own, and do life my way, Jesus does not speak kindly of the way I live.

"Woe to you, scribes & Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which appear outwardly beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness."
~ Matthew 23:27 (ESV)

The parts of my life that hold the most shame for me are when I chose to live that way, when I chose to pretend to be something I wasn't and lied to keep up appearances. I have broken the trust of those I love and missed out on so many opportunities to grow because I let myself be controlled by fear. I greatly fear being rejected, being alone. Therefore I polish and hide, do the best I can to look all put together, to hide those blemishes. The last thing I want is to be broken in front of someone else. But I cannot be a reflection of my beautiful Savior this way, because then all anyone will see is me working on my own strength, for my own ego.

There is a lovely sister of Christ who God used to help me process this and trust Him with all my ashes, all my brokenness. Ang and her pitcher. I too wish my past was different, and frustrated at my seemingly endless imperfections... but it is *His* job to redeem and make beautiful. My responsibility is just to lay myself open to Him, to give Him all that I am; past, present & future and trust that He will do his refining work. If my broken areas are the exact place where He can pour Himself out to others, then it is worth the pain, and I choose to be grateful.

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