Where fear tempts me to stay home... step out

“control smothers and fear asphyxiates and even now we could trust and nod yes to God's yes of today and now and breath.” – A Holy Experience

Sometimes the hardest thing is to move forward; like a cold, dark winter’s morning where the bed is so soft and warm, and the day seems so long and the floor so darn freezing. Now, where I am, is so comfortable, it’s not perfect but I know it and I can make it work… but you Lord, are inviting me into the unknown, where I don’t see how *I* can possibly make it work. Which, unfortunately, is your point, isn’t it? That it’s not about me making things come together, but becoming willing to let you do it all. How that thought terrifies me, it makes my heart drop, worse than a roller coaster.

I have put up my blankets, tucked and pinned them tight around my space; like my childhood forts, warm and ‘safe’. But you invite me, oh so gently, and with the outstretched hand of my husband beckoning me to step out, to see so much more than the familiar. The flannels are worn and soft… but your wilderness is breathtaking in its beauty, I’ve had glimpses before and the still small voice in my heart cries out to experience it more fully. Is it worth it to choose what I know so well because I fear where He might take me?... No, even with my trembling heart I must follow Him, even if He may mislead me (impossible as that is), He is my heart, He is my life and life without following His voice is darkness to me.

Breathe deep dear heart… and nod, whisper, “yes”.

Heart breaking

Today has been a day of growing grief. As news flooded in about the tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people displaced... not to mention dead in Haiti because of the earthquake my heart just hurt more and more. Then, I checked my Facebook feed and found this, Dear little Soma, gone from this earth. Even though I was at work, I could not stop my tears. I feel at a loss, I don't know how to help, just little old me, a continent and 700 miles of ocean from those in need. So I pray, and pray, and pray. Not even clear words or thoughts just aching hurts constantly being given over to the Spirit, begging Him to pray on my behalf for I do not have the words.
Tonight I want to pray, I want to be on my knees and give what little I have, emotionally & spiritually to these hurting people. Please join me, please see what you can do to give, right now they need money, badly. There are so many ways to give, even $5, $10 can make a difference, it can feed someone, give them enough clean water for a couple days.
World Vision
Compassion International
I won't let myself listen to the voice that says I can't make a difference in a tragedy this huge, I will give what I can and let God multiply it for His purposes. I will spend my energy praying and loving, even from all the way over here, and maybe, someday I'll get to see those who God helped with the resources He gave me.

Slowly creating new language in my heart...

I've never been good at memorizing scripture, though in school I could memorize lines, emotions to tie to the words of the character I spoke, His Word has always been a struggle for me. But how else can I learn to tell the difference between Truth and the multitude of lies I hear daily? I humble myself to learn His language, His voice, to repeat over and over, to help this hard head learn new gentleness, new grace.

"Your steadfast love, oh Lord, extends to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds;
your righteousness is like the mighty mountains of God,
your judgments are like the great deep;
both man and beast you save, oh Lord.
How precious is your steadfast love, oh God!
The children of mankind take refuge underneath your wings."
~ Psalm 37: 5-7 (ESV)

Tucking His Word into my wandering heart

Driving through the hills, twice daily, tempted to use Bluetooth, instead using the heart voice.

“Your steadfast love, oh Lord…”

Steadying me, chasing away the worry.

“But what about? What if? What will we do if-

Your steadfast love, oh Lord, extends to the heavens…”

Friends breaking, life roller-coaster we beg to take a break from, Lord I am tired.

“How precious is your steadfast love oh God!”

One verse at a time, slowly, etching bits of Him into me. Taking my weakness and drawing from His strength. Taking His word as my daily bread. Again, I cling to His words, hoping someday it may bless more than me.

Laying down my sword and shield...

"Be still, and know that I am God..."
~ Psalm 46:10

As I thought on this verse that is now a daily reminder, I thought "Ok, I can do that now"...

At which point I realized that wasn't what I meant, what I really meant was "I can do that while I shampoo my hair and wash my face..."
Being still isn't my strong suit. I always have a running to-do list in my head, nagging at me to be productive, to get things done.
Come home, make dinner, eat, clean up, take a shower, straighten living room, make sandwiches for tomorrow, wipe down counters... Oh, I still have time? Ok, catch up on Facebook, edit photos, dust furniture... Oh fudge, time to get ready for bed. And on and on it goes, mornings aren't much better, sleep has become a precious commodity and waking up earlier than the sun is rarely appealing. How can I be still with so much to do? I can't just drop everything!
...
Maybe, just maybe, that's exactly what God is looking for.

In this verse the psalmist is speaking about how God is in control on the battlefield, how His people can trust in Him as their refuge and stronghold. What applies to arrows, swords and shields just might apply to dishes, Facebook and maybe even Bible study or worship practice. Do I trust Him enough to slow down? To lay down my 'protection' of busyness, my pride in being in-demand and just let the stillness come? Do I dare stop moving and just be? Do I dare say 'no' to all the things and people asking for my time? For every time I say 'yes' to another thing, I am making it more and more difficult to carve out time for quiet, for stillness.

I lay down this burden of doing, of accomplishing, and take up the redeeming cross of stillness, of peace.
"The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." ~ Psalm 46:11

Multitude Monday (or Tuesday, as the case may be)

Is there a better time to stop and count the blessings? When overwhelmed by stress, when struggling with patience and accepting God’s will. Lord turn my heart to you as I reflect on your endless blessings.


#1 ~ Warm home with season’s colors

#2 ~ Beauty in candlelight

#3 ~ Comfort of Mama-made warmth

#4 ~ Joy of planning birthday celebration with a friend

#5 ~ Loud purrings in a pile of laundry

#6 ~ Beauty even in the midst of work

#7 ~ The warmth of his hand

#8 ~ Love and thoughts from states away

#9 ~ Being able to share His Word in a moment

Staying on task...

The to-do list floats in my head, one above the rest “write out your list, get an idea for today, for this week that is already half over.”

Phone rings.

Email dings.

I continue to pididdle around, avoid what I need to do.

Oh look! Another update…

Ignore the clock ticking away.

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