I’ve always had an internal battle going on in my head. I honestly can’t remember a time when I didn’t have a small voice taunting me, poking me, telling me I’m not good enough, that I’ll never get it right, that I’ll always fail, that I’m not worth loving, etc. etc. etc. It was a normal part of my life, I never considered that life could be different. During the ‘mountain-tops’ of my walk it would be rare, but in the ‘valleys’ I would feel overwhelmed by the voice, unable to defend my heart or my mind from it’s attacks, taking them in and letting them wound and bruise my heart. I would hesitate to fight for myself, I felt like I didn't know how.
One late night during my freshman year at college I was the only one to help a friend through as she was attacked by those very same lies that simmered in the back of my own mind. As we sat in the courtyard, God reminded me of all His promises, His truths about our identities and I fought for her heart, I fought with all I had to wrap her up in the beautiful tapestry of God’s truth about her. Verses that I had forgotten I knew came to the front of my mind and became my weapon for fighting back each lie. Using God’s word as a sword had sounded so cliché to a girl who grew up in the church… but that night I learned how true it is. Each verse, each passage, each story is a testimony of Truth, God’s Truth, the only true weapon or defense you can have against the lies of the Enemy.
Though I still am far from having verse upon verse memorized, surrounding myself with His Word, making it a part of my daily life has greatly changed my life. I still know that voice, am familiar with it’s lies but now I recognize it for what it is; an attack to hold me back, to keep me from clinging to Truth, to my Redeemer and His love for me. The most effective shield I have found is hiding in the knowledge of who my Redeemer is, clinging to the knowledge that my God is ever faithful (Gen. 17:7, Isaiah 26:4), always loving (Exodus 15:13, 1 Chron. 16:34), never changing (Num. 23:19, Job 23:13, Psalm 33:11), gracious (Exodus 34:6), all powerful (Exodus 15:11, Job 42:2, Matt. 19:26). If I can trust in this God, who is all these things and chose to love me and save me, no lie can nestle its way into my heart.
Study our wonderful Redeemer with me? The Psalms are a great place to start. Let His Word protect your heart, “for it is the wellspring of life” (Prov. 4:23).
Showing posts with label Lies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lies. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Aching to Be Found: Part 1
Barely holding back tears, she blindly puts objects into her small, pink, plastic suitcase. As quietly as possible she puts it on the windowsill and climbs on top of her desk to get up as well. She sits there in open window for a moment, then lowers her 11 year old body until she's only a foot or so from the dirt below. She lets go and drops to the ground, clutching her suitcase.
Leaning against the wall, she contemplates what to do next... climb the fence? But where would she go? Anywhere she went, they could call her parents and she would have to face her father's anger. So she stayed... she didn't truly want to leave, she just ached to know that someone cared enough to look for her. So she stayed underneath the windowsill, straining to hear the voices of her family.
Time passed and without a watch she couldn't keep track of how long she had been out there, she tried not to think about the scorpions and black widows that she knew frequented this corner of the yard. Very quickly she got bored, but her aching heart had to know, had to hear someone calling out her name. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep the tears away. Then, she heard a voice, "Where's Val?"
She held her breath...
The answer came, annoyed, "I don't know."
Waiting... shifting quietly to make sure she can hear... but no, there's nothing.
It feels like a punch in the gut and its all she can do not to let the tears fall. She waits a little longer, torturing herself with hope but she knows, if anyone is going to look for her, it's not going to be soon. Not until they need her for something or other... so she takes a deep breath and quietly puts her little pink suitcase back on the windowsill, climbs up the corner of the fence and the house and lets herself back into the room. She puts the suitcase under her bed, not bothering to empty it.
Laying on her bed, her face away from her doorway, she struggles again with her tears. "No you don't, you're not going to cry", the voice scolds in her head, all to familiar for one so young. "No one cares anyway, you'll never let them know, you'll never let them see. No one will ever pursue you for your sake." So she swallows her tears and begins to create a mask, so no one could see the shame she hid deep in her heart. The shame of someone who aches with all her being to be pursued, to be found, but isn't worthy of the effort.
Leaning against the wall, she contemplates what to do next... climb the fence? But where would she go? Anywhere she went, they could call her parents and she would have to face her father's anger. So she stayed... she didn't truly want to leave, she just ached to know that someone cared enough to look for her. So she stayed underneath the windowsill, straining to hear the voices of her family.
Time passed and without a watch she couldn't keep track of how long she had been out there, she tried not to think about the scorpions and black widows that she knew frequented this corner of the yard. Very quickly she got bored, but her aching heart had to know, had to hear someone calling out her name. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep the tears away. Then, she heard a voice, "Where's Val?"
She held her breath...
The answer came, annoyed, "I don't know."
Waiting... shifting quietly to make sure she can hear... but no, there's nothing.
It feels like a punch in the gut and its all she can do not to let the tears fall. She waits a little longer, torturing herself with hope but she knows, if anyone is going to look for her, it's not going to be soon. Not until they need her for something or other... so she takes a deep breath and quietly puts her little pink suitcase back on the windowsill, climbs up the corner of the fence and the house and lets herself back into the room. She puts the suitcase under her bed, not bothering to empty it.
Laying on her bed, her face away from her doorway, she struggles again with her tears. "No you don't, you're not going to cry", the voice scolds in her head, all to familiar for one so young. "No one cares anyway, you'll never let them know, you'll never let them see. No one will ever pursue you for your sake." So she swallows her tears and begins to create a mask, so no one could see the shame she hid deep in her heart. The shame of someone who aches with all her being to be pursued, to be found, but isn't worthy of the effort.
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